Poppy

I had planned to post something to the blog this week "coming out" as it were, and announcing that A and I were expecting. We were due October 11 and hoping for either a 10/10/10 baby or to give birth on 10/14 - A's grandfather's 89th birthday. We thought having your first great-grandchild share your birthday would have some nice symmetry. As you may be able to tell from my liberal use of the past tense, that did not happen. At our 12 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat, no baby to be born in October.

Our hearts were and continue to be broken. Distractions such as amazing weather, a dog who kisses livestock, unlikely and historic runs at the national championships and the comfort of friends and family have kept us going the past 10 or so days. I debated writing this post - after all I had told myself my blog would not become a pregnancy blog or a collection of belly photos. The more I thought about it though, it became important to write this post to acknowledge the pregnancy and the baby that were.

Since the moment we were told our child was "not compatible with life" people have offered us comfort by explaining this is not indicative of anything, the good news is you can get pregnant and that this is just a blip on our way to having a large, Gosselin-esque family. All of these well meaning people aside, we aren't mourning the loss of our future family or our fertility - we are mourning the loss of this pregnancy, this baby. This baby we called Poppy who would have been born in October and been our little pumpkin. Poppy who made me avoid chicken at all costs and want to eat anything smothered in ketchup. Poppy whose existence we had just started to share and take joy in our friends' and families' reactions. Poppy who we told the dog and the cat all about and told them that they would have to be nice to the baby.

Poppy was only with us for a short time, but we mourn him or her and do not want to forget or gloss over with plans for future children. We know we'll have a family - or rather a larger family than we have now. Calhoun and Bailey would take offense to think we are not a family already. We also know Poppy will always be a part of that family, just in a different way. We picked out this picture and will hang it in our eventual nursery - poppies to watch over all of us.